The surprises I’ve experienced in my writing practice have dislodged me from curiosity into love. –Layli Long Soldier (Lakota Poet interviewed by Krista Tippett)
I have taught counseling students that their initial attitude toward their clients upon the first meeting should be curiosity. Curiosity about someone requires a stance of unknowing. One who enters a relationship of any kind with curiosity is saying, “I want to know you. I am listening. I don’t know who you are and what you love, what you think, what soothes you, what scares you. I want to know. I’m here. Please share what you can.”
The stance of curiosity in a counseling relationship, or any intimate relationship, is something that usually has to be learned and practiced because it doesn’t come naturally. I believe most of us most of the time encounter another person whom we don’t know assuming something about them. Almost unconsciously, we look at a person, at the clothes they are wearing, at their grooming, notice the color of their skin, their posture . . . and we make assumptions about this person. Our amygdala at work, probably, sizing up another being to see if there is threat or not. It is normal — I do it, you do it. And in itself this automatic reaction is not bad. It is only destructive if it is unconscious and not brought to our awareness. Unconscious assumptions cannot be challenged nor evaluated for accuracy.
In therapy, if we therapists are not aware of our assumptions about a client, we cannot be helpful to them. Our curiosity is a part of the healing skills we offer as we help them explore, discover, and tell us who they are. They then can make courageous choices that are more consonant with who they know themselves to be.
As we participate in the process of learning one’s own story and honoring one’s identity, our curiosity often becomes love. By love I mean deep resonance and respect for another’s willingness to explore what may be painful experiences or choices. Knowing someone deeply (as our curiosity and the other’s trust allows us to do) opens the door for loving the humanity, courage, and trust that another may place in us.
I am grateful to the many clients and directees who have allowed me to witness to their journey toward wholeness. Through my work as therapist and spiritual director the capacity to live my life with greater curiosity and love in all my relationships continues to grow and change me for the better.
Pilgrimages and Paths 