Surprise!

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. It usually passes with three birthday cards (my Dad, my husband, and a longtime friend who never forgets). The weekend before, my husband (a woodworker) was going to pick up some wood from my brother’s house and asked me if I wanted to go along for the ride. I accepted eagerly — I don’t get to visit with my ebrother and his wife often enough through the year, and when they heard I was coming with Bill, they invited us to lunch.

After the usual 90 minute drive, we walked in the door. . . “Surprise,” they yelled. My brother and his wife, my sister and her husband, my 94 year old Dad, and Bill had planned a surprise party for my 70th birthday. And I had had no idea — really!

Now, for some folks, a surprise party might not be a big deal — for some, it might be annoying, especially for a big birthday like 70. To me, it was a huge and welcome thing. I still have the balloons tied to a chair in my dining area — 7 foil balloons of different shapes and messages. “One for each decade,” my brother bragged.

There were cupcakes of a variety of colors, flavors, and icings. There was pizza from the local pizza place. Simple. Unpretentious. But so very affirming that I was loved and cared about. And that warmth and glow fills my heart each time I think of the shout of “Surprise!”

I am noticing a difference in myself since my retirement last summer. Retirement agrees with me and I have had no trouble “adjusting” to it. What has most touched me is the slowing down of time and schedules. I used to feel (most of the time!) that I was running behind — a consistent feeling of having so much to complete but never quite being on top of things — never quite completing what needed to be done. I always got things done — sometimes by the skin of my teeth — but never felt that I finished tasks with time to savor their completion. In retirement I still have things to do (retreats I’m leading, doctors appointments, working out, making connections with friends) but my life feels more leisurely.

A friend of mine says it this way, “I have things to get done, but there’s always tomorrow.” At least it feels like there’s always tomorrow.

I’m cognizant of taking time seriously because I can never know if today will be all I have. But what I am experiencing at this stage of my life is that life can be more leisurely than pressured.

I told myself that I would know I was ready to retire when I felt that my life in the world had made a difference to others. I feel I have made a difference — though not in dramatic ways. I’ve made a difference in small ways in many peoples’ lives. My “rainy day” file teaches me that as I read through two file drawers of notes, emails, journals that offer thanks to me for counseling help or sermons that “landed” or something I said (most of which I don’t remember). I studied and worked at professions that were intended to serve others. And I have served others — sometimes very well, sometimes not — but always that was the intention. And I still find ways to serve, but not with frenetic pressure on myself.

All this is to say that the difference I notice (that I mentioned above) is an ability to be present with others, to trust and accept their love/friendship/ caring. Letting love into my heart and basking in it is new to me (believe it or not). And I am grateful for this softening, letting in, and trusting. It is a true gift from God!