Tag: choices

Choices

It is March 21, two days after the Spring Equinox in 2020. We are experiencing the ‘shelter in place’ response to the Covid-19 virus pandemic. And in the midst of dire predictions and the constant tally of numbers of infected and dead, I am grateful for signs of life in the world around me. Crocuses and daffodils and strawberry plants greening up . . . and the sun which is out today for the first time in several days.

Much of my ‘sheltering time’ has allowed me to sew placemats using strips I have sewn together from scraps. I delight in the colors that blend and contrast. These simple table top pieces help me to feel that I have done something productive and they will be appreciated by others. I have also been cooking and cleaning as is necessary with so much staying at home time.

This period of time has also fed my reflective nature and I have been thinking of what is an important consideration in this time of Covid-19 (but that you might consider macabre). Medical care may be in short supply if this virus overwhelms hospitals as it is expected to do (and is doing in some places). There are choices we need to make for ourselves concerning what kind of care we want if we contract the virus.

I am over 65 and have several conditions that put me at risk of getting Covid-19. It is not crazy to think about what would happen if I become seriously ill. Many elders with Covid-19 have needed a ventilator to breathe for them. I could well be one of many persons whose bodies would need the aid of ventilators, the care of trained nurses and doctors, and a bed in an ICU.

Now, believe me, I love life and enjoy so-o-o many things: family, gardening, creativity, volunteering. I hope to lead a long and relatively active life into my 80’s or longer. I work hard at staying healthy and keeping my body and mind resilient and strong through exercise and healthy diet. Nonetheless, I have not been invincible health-wise and although I will follow precautions against falling prey to this virus, I cannot control what may happen.

Long ago I had “the talk” with my daughter and my husband and my extended family about what I want them to know about my end of life wishes. I initiated “the talk” because I did not want them to have to guess what I would want or to take on guilt about having to make hard decisions if I was not consciously aware and unable to make them myself.

When the choice to be made is about who can receive life-saving care or have use of a ventilator — a person in their 70’s or 80’s or a younger person with a family or career ahead of them — there is only one choice of whom should receive that care. I want to live many more years — but not at the expense of a younger healthier person. This is not an idle daydream. Reports from Italy, the Middle East, and even Washington state and California talk of the wave of patients with the virus that has overwhelmed hospitals, staff, and available ventilators. Doctors are right now having to make choices of which patient to put on limited life-saving ventilators. And the wisest choice is to try to save those who have the possibility of a longer life. Palliative (pain-lessening) care should be offered to others — those who are elders or who may have conditions that are already limiting them.

While I hope it doesn’t come to that, my choice is made and I’m ok with that. I long ago made my peace with knowing I will not get out of this life alive.

Please think about the choices you want to make about the care you desire whenever you are facing death. And share your choices with your loved ones. If you want a gentle yet powerful resource to help you with this, check out Five Wishes https://fivewishes.org/shop/order/product/five-wishes.

Blessings,

Jane

Doors

In the universe, there are things that are known, and things that are unknown, and in between, there are doors.

~ William Blake

I am at the threshold of a door between what I had known and expected and what is unknown to me. Actually, I may be one step beyond that threshold. I am dealing with a very unexpected challenge that is requiring hope in the midst of fear, present moment awareness rather than future planning, and willingness to step back from being in charge to allow others to help me and pray for me and love me.

I vacillate between overwhelm with the messages and kindnesses of friends and family and even strangers who are praying and caring for me . . . a welcome overwhelm that feels like a warm, comforting safe place to dwell. And there is also the overwhelm from medical facts, statistics, and the physical experience of today’s technologies . . . an overwhelm that feels unsafe and fearsome.

I am keenly aware that I am not alone in this experience . . . it is a human experience and a spiritual pathway that so many others have taken and are taking or will take at some point in their lifetime.

The quotation that “caught” me this morning says there are doors between what we know and what we do not yet know or cannot know. I would change Blake’s word to “doorways”. Doors require opening to walk through, and there are some doors like that in our lives that we need to choose to open or leave closed. Images of doorways are different to me — they are openings that are already open. Some doorways we may choose to walk through or not. Some doorways we may not notice and therefore we walk by. Other doorways offer multiple openings and force a choice between one thing and another.

The doorway in my life today offers no choice . . . there is only one portal to enter without choosing or desiring this path. I cannot know what awaits on the other side. What will be revealed (in part or whole) when I step through onto the path? Adventure? Challenge? Affirmation? Ending? Healing? Love? Purpose? Call?

I am not a stranger to this doorway, though. I have walked through a similar doorway several times in my life and I have found a deepening of my spirit, an expansive space inside where empathy for others (and myself) dwells, experienced a humility that reminds me that a greater Being is accompanying me in love. In each experience, I have grown as a person, a therapist/healer, a spiritual guide.

While I am walking through a doorway onto a path that is new and unknown, gratefully, I am not alone. You who read this are part of my circle of witnesses. Thank you.