Tag: curiosity

Holding the Truth Lightly?

There was a time in my life when I would argue my side of a question or fact until anyone with another point of view gave up and walked away. There weren’t many things I would hold fast to, but with those few ideas or issues, I was sure my view was the correct one . . . the ONLY correct one.

Oh, the certainty of that time of life. It embarrasses me now. . . thinking that I could know what was true and what was not, what was right and what was wrong, what was of highest value and what was junk.

I still have opinions and values and ethical standards now. But I think I am more reflective these days, less willing to attack with righteous vengeance the ideas and positions others hold. Now, don’t get the wrong idea about me. I am an unapologetic progressive who isn’t afraid to say what I believe. And I loathe the stance of the current Senate minority leader when he trumpets that his only goal for the next 4 years is to “100% oppose” the current administration in every bill proposed or budget proffered. That stand will take us down as a country if it holds.

But I am more opposed to that “100% opposition no matter what the policy is” stance because of the blindness to how we can strongly disagree with a person’s ideological stand and yet listen to their hopes, their goals, their ideas, and look for places we can agree so we can craft something together worth agreeing upon. In this divisive moment (I still hope it is only a moment), however, that may need a whole lot of retirements before working together across the aisle is ever possible again.

I choose to try to live a different ethos these days. I try to “hold the truth lightly”. I first heard this phrase when I joined the Episcopal Church. I was drawn to this denomination because it doesn’t require dogmatic beliefs but focuses on practices — being community, serving others, living and practicing love. The assumption is that we are all interconnected and are spiritual beings walking a human path. None of us has a better hold on truth than anyone else so we can learn from (not fear) others. And we “hold the truth lightly” knowing that life changes us and therefore our view of “truth” may change.

To live this way requires humility (which I have to work at), curiosity (approaching situations and people with wonder rather than mistrust), and a belief that we can find multiple interconnections that are lifegiving.

I’m not expert at living this way, yet it has become more natural as I’ve practiced it. And wondering about the world and those who live in it is much more joy filled than believing all is threatening.

Yes, you are probably correct . . . I’m likely a Pollyanna. Join me?

From Curiosity into Love

The surprises I’ve experienced in my writing practice have dislodged me from curiosity into love.           –Layli Long Soldier                                                                 (Lakota Poet interviewed by Krista Tippett)

Curiosity

I have taught counseling students that their initial attitude toward their clients upon the first meeting should be curiosity.  Curiosity about someone requires a stance of unknowing.  One who enters a relationship of any kind with curiosity is saying, “I want to know you.  I am listening.  I don’t know who you are and what you love, what you think, what soothes you, what scares you.  I want to know.  I’m here.  Please share what you can.”

The stance of curiosity in a counseling relationship, or any intimate relationship, is something that usually has to be learned and practiced because it doesn’t come naturally.  I believe most of us most of the time encounter another person whom we don’t know assuming something about them.  Almost unconsciously, we look at a person, at the clothes they are wearing, at their grooming, notice the color of their skin, their posture . . . and we make assumptions about this person.  Our amygdala at work, probably, sizing up another being to see if there is threat or not.  It is normal — I do it, you do it.  And in itself this automatic reaction is not bad.  It is only destructive if it is unconscious and not brought to our awareness.  Unconscious assumptions cannot be challenged nor evaluated for accuracy.

In therapy, if we therapists are not aware of our assumptions about a client, we cannot be helpful to them.  Our curiosity is a part of the healing skills we offer as we help them explore, discover, and tell us who they are.  They then can make courageous choices that are more consonant with who they know themselves to be.

As we participate in the process of learning one’s own story and honoring one’s identity,  our curiosity often becomes love.  By love I mean deep resonance and respect for another’s willingness to explore what may be painful experiences or choices.  Knowing someone deeply (as our curiosity and the other’s trust allows us to do) opens the door for loving the humanity, courage, and trust that another may place in us.  

I am grateful to the many clients and directees who have allowed me to witness to their journey toward wholeness.   Through my work as therapist and spiritual director the capacity to live my life with greater curiosity and love in all my relationships continues to grow and change me for the better.