The night before New Years Eve and I feel a deep calm. Unusual for me on this day of the year. I usually have a twinge of anxiety on the cusp of the new year to come. I feel like we are about to jump off the edge of some metaphorical cliff into the unknown — not knowing what awaits us in the year to come.
Of course everyday we face the unknown — we can never really know what awaits in the day. But we can tend to fool ourselves into thinking that our calendar lays out what awaits us . . . what appointments, what is on our to do list, what people will be showing up that day for dinner, etc. etc.
But on the day before the eve of the new year, it is so much more apparent that the future has not yet been written. It is not yet known. There will be joys to come (I am trusting that) and there will likely be sadnesses to be borne (unfortunately I am sure of that). But not knowing the specifics of either joys or sadnesses creates in me that twinge of anxious dread.
I would have expected much more than the usual anxiety at this soon-to-be New Years Eve and so I am surprised at the calm and peaceful feelings that have come over me. Why would I expect more anxiety than usual? With the surprises that came at the end of the year in October and hailed health challenges that were entirely unexpected, I experienced a return of my PTSD from earlier life surprises. From late October until just a couple of days ago, I could slip easily into mild panic and fear. Sleeping was often a challenge. But in between those moments of anxiety, there were experiences of calm and peace. Often those times came when I received a message or email from someone wondering how things were going, or from my daughter or sister or brothers. Knowing I was remembered and wondered about was comforting.
And so I will enter this 2020 year ahead with calm and peace, having learned one thing very well: how deeply meaningful is contact with another human being. Whether by a 3 word email or a phone conversation or a note in the mail or a cup of coffee at Panera’s — caring relationships are healing and their maintenance is a priority.
Pilgrimages and Paths 